Then Peter came and said to him, "Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?" Jesus said to him, "Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times." (Matthew 18.21-22)
Saying "I'm sorry" is hard. Saying "I forgive you" is even harder.
It's happened to all of us. We've been hurt, we've been wounded, we've been negatively impacted by the words or deeds of other people. Sometimes the people who have wounded us are mere acquaintances. Sometimes, the people who have wounded us are much closer to us: maybe a good friend . . . or a spouse . . . or a parent . . . or a teacher . . . or a coach . . . or a pastor. Sometimes the wounds are minor - minor little bumps or bruises that will heal naturally in a very short amount of time. Sometimes the wounds are more significant - deeper cuts that will still heal in time, though it may take weeks or months. Sometimes the wounds are acute - injuries that impact us dramatically as we go through our daily living, and that might heal naturally in time, or that might need significant intervention by professional specialists if we want to function normally again. Some people carry around very, very deep wounds - physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, harsh words spoken that still sting years and years later. The impact these wounds can have on a person's life is tremendous. Some people spend years in therapy trying to recover from trauma they experienced; others withdraw into a protective shell; others develop mental illness. Some lash out in anger or rage. Some give in to their despair.
God did not design us to carry around lingering wounds forever. God's hope for us is that we will be restored to the people God created us to be. God's hope is that we will be redeemed.
Dealing with trauma inflicted by others is difficult, demanding work. I applaud all those individuals who reach a point in their lives when they recognize that what they are dealing with is significant and needs to be taken seriously, and who take concrete steps to reach out to people who can help them grow in their journey towards health and wholeness. I applaud all those individuals who sit in front of a duly trained counselor or therapist and tell their story, in all its bitter detail, with tears streaming down their cheeks, and who then begin figuring out how to fill the void in their lives. That is good, important work, and God is very much present in that work, and I often find myself wishing that more people would consider taking the positive step of setting up that first appointment.
It's important to deal with the pain we are experiencing in life. We need to work towards healing in our own soul. But there's another piece to all this. An equally significant step has to do with working towards healing in the relationships we find ourselves in with other people. When someone has hurt you significantly, you have to do what you need to do to heal your own soul . . . but what then happens to the relationship you had with the individual who harmed you?
When your spouse says to you, "I had an affair" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your parent says to you, "You're worthless" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your friend betrays your closely-guarded secret . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your teacher says to you, "You're really stupid" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your coach says to you, "You're a detriment to this team" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your pastor hurts or offends you in some way (and please remember that none of us pastors are perfect!) . . . what happens to the relationship?
In many cases of extreme pain, the relationship often comes to a sudden, bitter end. Sometimes people cross a line, and the pain is so great, the damage is so real, that one wonders, "Why do I want this person to continue to be in my life?" Sometimes the answer one comes to is, "There's no good reason," and the relationship ends abruptly and often dramatically. I recall a time in my life many long years ago when some of my so-called "friends" made fun of me to such a great extent that I walked away from those friendships and started hanging out with different people. (And I was much happier after that!) Sometimes, if you find yourself thinking that you're on the receiving end of abuse, the best thing to do is to walk away.
But many times, the relationship is worth working on. Often, a person is willing to recognize that they have harmed you, and they feel genuinely sorry about that. You may have to point out to the other individual that they did, in fact, harm you; sometimes, people say or do things and don't realize the effect they have on other people, even the ones they really care about. For the relationship to continue, there has to come a point at which one person is willing to say, "I'm sorry." (That's what last month's column was about!) Then, the person who has been harmed has a choice to make. Will you accept the other person's apology? Will you acknowledge their repentance? Will you forgive?
This is difficult. A lot of people carry around grudges against other people, because of hurts and wounds inflicted long ago. Many people end up living bitter lives and carry their resentment with them to the grave. Some people have real trouble getting past a deep wound inflicted long ago. Sometimes, a wound was so grievous that it may be extremely difficult - if not impossible - for people to forgive. If Adolf Hitler were genuinely repentant for the sins that he committed, and were asking for forgiveness, would you be willing to forgive him? Would the world?
Jesus lays down a pretty high standard. We are called to forgive . . . and forgive . . . and forgive some more. He is not saying that the hurt and the pain don't matter. He is not saying that people should continually return to an abuser who says he's sorry but doesn't make any effort to change his behavior. Jesus is talking about those cases where one person truly realizes the harm they have caused another, and are willing to work to change their life in such a way so as to make sure that it doesn't happen again. If there's a real apology . . . if there's genuine repentance . . . we don't have a choice. If we want to take our faith seriously, we truly don't have a choice. If we're sincerely trying to follow Jesus . . . we have to forgive. We just have to. If we don't . . . then we're not being faithful.
But what if we can't? What if we really can't forgive the other person? What if something is blocking us from forgiving? When we've been hurt that badly . . . when we're still in too much pain . . . what then?
I think that if we have trouble forgiving a genuinely repentant person who had previously harmed us, then let that be a sign to us that we've got some work to do. It's a sign that we're still bleeding from the wound. We can't tend to the forgiveness that the other person is offering because we're still in too much pain. If we're in that much pain . . . then maybe it's time to get some help. Maybe it's time to find someone to talk to who can help us manage our pain, who can help move us to a place of healing. Maybe it's time to tell our story to someone who will truly care, someone who can shoulder our tears, someone who can work with us to rebuild our soul, someone who can extend to us the love and grace of God and who can help restore peace to our soul. Then . . . once we're not hurting quite so much . . . then it's time to look the other individual in the face. Then it's time to listen to their words of apology. Then it's time to accept their genuine repentance. Then . . . it's time to forgive.
It's not easy work. It requires a tremendous amount of courage and faithfulness. It requires a good deal of personal maturity and a real desire for inner peace.
The payoff is incredible.
I know of relationships that have been restored. I know of friendships that have been rekindled. I know of marriages that have been saved. I know of a tremendous amount of joy that has come to people who have been willing to do a lot of hard work.
God didn't create us to be alone. God created us to be in community with other people. God created us to be in relationship with other people. Relationships are difficult and require constant tending. Things happen that pull people away from one another. We have to work to put the relationships back together again. It's not easy. But it's worth it.
Practice saying it to yourself. "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." They are a pair of expressions that go hand-in-hand. They ought to be expressions that are standard tools in our relationship toolkit. We should be using them with our friends. We should be using them with our spouse. We should be using them here in church. Yes, especially here in church, we should be using those expressions.
It is, after all, what Jesus taught us to do.
Peace and blessings,
Bill
Saying "I'm sorry" is hard. Saying "I forgive you" is even harder.
It's happened to all of us. We've been hurt, we've been wounded, we've been negatively impacted by the words or deeds of other people. Sometimes the people who have wounded us are mere acquaintances. Sometimes, the people who have wounded us are much closer to us: maybe a good friend . . . or a spouse . . . or a parent . . . or a teacher . . . or a coach . . . or a pastor. Sometimes the wounds are minor - minor little bumps or bruises that will heal naturally in a very short amount of time. Sometimes the wounds are more significant - deeper cuts that will still heal in time, though it may take weeks or months. Sometimes the wounds are acute - injuries that impact us dramatically as we go through our daily living, and that might heal naturally in time, or that might need significant intervention by professional specialists if we want to function normally again. Some people carry around very, very deep wounds - physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, harsh words spoken that still sting years and years later. The impact these wounds can have on a person's life is tremendous. Some people spend years in therapy trying to recover from trauma they experienced; others withdraw into a protective shell; others develop mental illness. Some lash out in anger or rage. Some give in to their despair.
God did not design us to carry around lingering wounds forever. God's hope for us is that we will be restored to the people God created us to be. God's hope is that we will be redeemed.
Dealing with trauma inflicted by others is difficult, demanding work. I applaud all those individuals who reach a point in their lives when they recognize that what they are dealing with is significant and needs to be taken seriously, and who take concrete steps to reach out to people who can help them grow in their journey towards health and wholeness. I applaud all those individuals who sit in front of a duly trained counselor or therapist and tell their story, in all its bitter detail, with tears streaming down their cheeks, and who then begin figuring out how to fill the void in their lives. That is good, important work, and God is very much present in that work, and I often find myself wishing that more people would consider taking the positive step of setting up that first appointment.
It's important to deal with the pain we are experiencing in life. We need to work towards healing in our own soul. But there's another piece to all this. An equally significant step has to do with working towards healing in the relationships we find ourselves in with other people. When someone has hurt you significantly, you have to do what you need to do to heal your own soul . . . but what then happens to the relationship you had with the individual who harmed you?
When your spouse says to you, "I had an affair" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your parent says to you, "You're worthless" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your friend betrays your closely-guarded secret . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your teacher says to you, "You're really stupid" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your coach says to you, "You're a detriment to this team" . . . what happens to the relationship?
When your pastor hurts or offends you in some way (and please remember that none of us pastors are perfect!) . . . what happens to the relationship?
In many cases of extreme pain, the relationship often comes to a sudden, bitter end. Sometimes people cross a line, and the pain is so great, the damage is so real, that one wonders, "Why do I want this person to continue to be in my life?" Sometimes the answer one comes to is, "There's no good reason," and the relationship ends abruptly and often dramatically. I recall a time in my life many long years ago when some of my so-called "friends" made fun of me to such a great extent that I walked away from those friendships and started hanging out with different people. (And I was much happier after that!) Sometimes, if you find yourself thinking that you're on the receiving end of abuse, the best thing to do is to walk away.
But many times, the relationship is worth working on. Often, a person is willing to recognize that they have harmed you, and they feel genuinely sorry about that. You may have to point out to the other individual that they did, in fact, harm you; sometimes, people say or do things and don't realize the effect they have on other people, even the ones they really care about. For the relationship to continue, there has to come a point at which one person is willing to say, "I'm sorry." (That's what last month's column was about!) Then, the person who has been harmed has a choice to make. Will you accept the other person's apology? Will you acknowledge their repentance? Will you forgive?
This is difficult. A lot of people carry around grudges against other people, because of hurts and wounds inflicted long ago. Many people end up living bitter lives and carry their resentment with them to the grave. Some people have real trouble getting past a deep wound inflicted long ago. Sometimes, a wound was so grievous that it may be extremely difficult - if not impossible - for people to forgive. If Adolf Hitler were genuinely repentant for the sins that he committed, and were asking for forgiveness, would you be willing to forgive him? Would the world?
Jesus lays down a pretty high standard. We are called to forgive . . . and forgive . . . and forgive some more. He is not saying that the hurt and the pain don't matter. He is not saying that people should continually return to an abuser who says he's sorry but doesn't make any effort to change his behavior. Jesus is talking about those cases where one person truly realizes the harm they have caused another, and are willing to work to change their life in such a way so as to make sure that it doesn't happen again. If there's a real apology . . . if there's genuine repentance . . . we don't have a choice. If we want to take our faith seriously, we truly don't have a choice. If we're sincerely trying to follow Jesus . . . we have to forgive. We just have to. If we don't . . . then we're not being faithful.
But what if we can't? What if we really can't forgive the other person? What if something is blocking us from forgiving? When we've been hurt that badly . . . when we're still in too much pain . . . what then?
I think that if we have trouble forgiving a genuinely repentant person who had previously harmed us, then let that be a sign to us that we've got some work to do. It's a sign that we're still bleeding from the wound. We can't tend to the forgiveness that the other person is offering because we're still in too much pain. If we're in that much pain . . . then maybe it's time to get some help. Maybe it's time to find someone to talk to who can help us manage our pain, who can help move us to a place of healing. Maybe it's time to tell our story to someone who will truly care, someone who can shoulder our tears, someone who can work with us to rebuild our soul, someone who can extend to us the love and grace of God and who can help restore peace to our soul. Then . . . once we're not hurting quite so much . . . then it's time to look the other individual in the face. Then it's time to listen to their words of apology. Then it's time to accept their genuine repentance. Then . . . it's time to forgive.
It's not easy work. It requires a tremendous amount of courage and faithfulness. It requires a good deal of personal maturity and a real desire for inner peace.
The payoff is incredible.
I know of relationships that have been restored. I know of friendships that have been rekindled. I know of marriages that have been saved. I know of a tremendous amount of joy that has come to people who have been willing to do a lot of hard work.
God didn't create us to be alone. God created us to be in community with other people. God created us to be in relationship with other people. Relationships are difficult and require constant tending. Things happen that pull people away from one another. We have to work to put the relationships back together again. It's not easy. But it's worth it.
Practice saying it to yourself. "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." "I'm sorry." "I forgive you." They are a pair of expressions that go hand-in-hand. They ought to be expressions that are standard tools in our relationship toolkit. We should be using them with our friends. We should be using them with our spouse. We should be using them here in church. Yes, especially here in church, we should be using those expressions.
It is, after all, what Jesus taught us to do.
Peace and blessings,
Bill
