How Shall We Handle the Tough Stuff?

Today, I’m going to begin talking about a subject that a lot of us would prefer to avoid. Some subjects are difficult to talk about; this is one of them. But there are times when it’s important to face the issues, to muster up the strength and the courage to talk about the really tough stuff. Belonging to the church is all about relationships – our relationship with God and our relationship with one another – and in any relationship, any healthy relationship, it’s important to be able to talk about the difficult issues. It’s never healthy to avoid difficult issues that need to be addressed!

The subject I’m going to bring up today is conflict. Or, more specifically, I’m going to begin talking about conflict management. If you’d rather, we could say I’m going to begin talking about “how shall we handle the tough stuff?” I do this not because we have a major conflict going on in the church right now – in fact, we don’t. There are a few differences of opinion here and there; there are a few disagreements here and there; there are some issues that are being worked on here and there; but there’s no major conflict going on here at this church.

I want to make sure we keep it that way.

People who study congregational trends have noticed an alarming pattern: in the past 30 years or so, there has been a marked increase in the number of churches that have experienced or are experiencing acute, painful conflict. In my ongoing learning about the state of the church today, I do see an alarming number of congregations in crisis – congregations torn apart by conflict. In the not-too-distant past, this congregation was one of those. Many of you were here when this church was practically torn asunder. Some of you were right in the thick of it (whether you wanted to be or not). Others of you tried your best to avoid getting caught in the crossfire. Some of you checked out of the church entirely, and are only now beginning to take your first careful steps back. I’d be willing to bet that none of you want to go through something like that ever again. (Who would?)

There has also been, in recent years, a noticeable trend among pastors. A growing number of pastors are choosing to leave the ordained ministry for other careers. I know some people who fall into this category – including some very gifted and talented seminary classmates of mine who felt God calling them away from the ordained ministry within just a few years after feeling that God had called them to the ordained ministry. The Board of Pensions of the Presbyterian Church (USA) did a study a few years back looking at the reasons for this growing trend. They were looking only at the pastors in our denomination, but the trend is happening in many denominations. The three most-often cited reasons for why a growing number of pastors in our denomination are choosing to leave the ordained ministry for other careers are conflict, stress, and burnout. I have enough experience under my belt to know how real, how painful, how challenging, and how difficult all three of those factors can be in the life of a pastor. The fact of the matter is, a lot of people in the church have a lot of different opinions (and often very strong opinions) about “the way things should be.” Guess who often gets caught in the middle of it all! I pray to God that conflict, stress, and burnout will never bring me to the point where I feel the need to pack up my bags and call it quits for my own health, sanity, and well-being. And that means, among other things, that it’s vitally important that I take the necessary steps to keep myself healthy – spiritually healthy, emotionally healthy, physically healthy – so that I will be able to handle the tough stuff in responsible ways. (More on that next month!)

I suspect we would all agree that none of us want to see this congregation ever experience again something like what it went through several years ago. The crisis led to all sorts of unfortunate challenges: a decline in worship attendance, a decline in contributions, some extremely hefty bills to pay, some members leaving permanently, some strained relationships among some of the members who remained, a decrease in trust in the organization as a whole, a very long interim period, and the need to search for a new pastor. Tell me: who wants to go through all that again?

You may be wondering why I’m choosing to bring this up. You may be saying, “Why does he have to drag up the past?” Well, what happened here several years ago – as much as we may want to avoid talking about it – is now part of our history. As much as we may want to focus on all the positive aspects of our history (especially as we launch our 150th anniversary celebration), and as much as we may want to just “move on,” we have to remember that the not-so-positive aspects – including that painful experience of conflict – are part of our history too. Imagine trying to tell the story of our country without talking about the painful experiences of conflict: the Civil War . . . the Civil Rights movement . . . Vietnam . . . even the recent war in Iraq, and the very strong feelings people had (and still have) about that war. We shouldn’t avoid the fact that our history has some painful experiences of conflict – our national history, and also our congregational history. And, in fact, I firmly believe that it is prudent and wise to reflect on the painful episodes we have in community together, because often it’s the case that when we reflect on our most painful experiences we come to see how we might handle things differently in the future. In other words, I believe it’s possible – and prudent – to seek to learn and grow from our painful experiences. Specifically, I find myself wondering: What have we collectively learned from the experiences of the past, and, specifically, those experiences of acute conflict in the church?

Now, one possible answer to that question might be, “We’ve learned that we never want to have conflict again, so let’s try to avoid conflict at all costs.” I actually don’t believe that’s a good strategy. Here’s why.

You see, the problem isn’t the presence of conflict. All human relationships have conflict. Conflict is a very normal part of life. Any of you who have ever been in a good, healthy, stable relationship with a partner or spouse for a very long time – tell me if you’ve never had any conflict! All human relationships, sooner or later, have some conflict. That’s just part of the nature of being human. God didn’t create us all in such a way that we all agree about everything! (Think how boring that would be!) In any human relationship, inevitably, there’s going to be some kind of conflict – a difference of opinion, a disagreement, an issue that needs to be worked out. That’s true in relationships between two committed individuals, but it’s true in the church too. Sooner or later, there are going to be conflicts. Not everybody is going to see eye-to-eye about worship. Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye about church goals. Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye about budgeting and finances. Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye about what causes are worthy of our support and what causes aren’t. Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye about Sunday School curriculum. Not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye about what’s “acceptable” behavior and what isn’t. Churches have to deal with conflict, because there are always going to be differences of opinion, disagreements, and issues that need to be worked out. Even the healthiest churches have to deal with conflict. The question is not, “How can we avoid conflict?” – that strategy will be doomed to failure, because if we ignore the issues we need to deal with, we’ll never make any progress. The question, rather, is “How can we handle conflict in ways that are responsible? How can we make sure that when there are issues to be addressed, we address them in ways that are calm, disciplined, and rational? How can we make sure that issues are getting addressed, and that people aren’t getting hurt in the process?”

Let me repeat part of that – because it’s really important. The question is not, “How can we avoid conflict?” The question, rather, is “How can we handle conflict in ways that are responsible?” Healthy congregations don’t try to avoid conflict. Rather, they figure out how to handle conflict in responsible ways. I’d like to see this congregation get to a point that whenever there’s any kind of difference of opinion, any kind of disagreement, or any kind of issue that needs to be worked out, we know how to handle it in responsible ways. If we can accomplish that – and I firmly believe we can – then we will have taken a giant leap forward in our collective efforts to rebuild this community of faith.

I said at the beginning of this article that I’m going to begin talking about the subject of conflict, or more specifically, conflict management – that is, how we handle the tough stuff. This is just the beginning of a conversation. It’s a conversation I initiated with the Session a few months back; we’ve been talking there about some principles and practices that we can foster and nurture here in this congregation as preventative measures, to create a safe environment here, to make sure that nothing ever happens here again like what happened a few years ago, and to create a congregational climate in which difficult issues get dealt with in responsible ways, and people don’t get hurt in the process. Who wants to belong to a church that can’t address difficult issues without things getting explosive? I certainly don’t! And I bet you don’t either.

So, this is just the beginning of a conversation. As I write these words, I am expecting that periodically, over the course of the next year or two, I’ll be writing more about this general topic. I want to make sure that we are creating, fostering, and nurturing a safe environment here. Rev. Floyd Starr began some work towards that end, and many of you participated in some training provided by the Lombard Mennonite Peace Center. I’m going to build on that work; I’m going to reinforce some concepts that have already been discussed; I may even bring up new topics for consideration. There are some practices I’m going to recommend, some skills I’m going to teach, and some behaviors that I’m going to try to model for you. Granted, I’m not perfect; there are times, yes, when I reach my wit’s end and don’t handle situations as well as I could (if you don’t believe me, ask my kids!). But the Session and the Pastor Nominating Committee wanted to bring to this church a pastor who possessed “an ability to resolve conflicts using a healthy congregation approach” and who possessed skills in “conflict management/mediation.” Those are areas I’ve invested quite a bit of time and energy learning about in the past several years and have continued to learn about since my arrival here (I participated in a week-long mediation skills training institute sponsored by Lombard just this past summer). I have grown tremendously through these learning experiences, and believe that I have some practices to recommend, some skills to teach, and some behaviors to (hopefully!) model for you as we seek to create a congregational climate in which difficult issues get dealt with in responsible ways, and people don’t get hurt in the process. I’m choosing to begin this conversation because I believe it will be helpful for all of us, both as individuals and as a community of faith, as we seek to grow a healthy, vibrant faith community here, and as we seek to continue to grow in the ways of Jesus Christ. And, what we learn here can spill over into other areas of our life . . . including our work life and our family life.

So this is just the beginning of a conversation. There will be more in the months to come – not every month, and probably not even every other month, but periodically, now and then. It’s a topic that’s actually quite biblical . . . the letters in the New Testament are full of exhortations addressed to members of local churches, encouraging them to handle conflict in healthy ways, and Jesus himself talked about what to do when you’re experiencing conflict with someone else in the church . . . but those are topics for another article, another time. Right now, we’re just beginning the conversation.

Peace and blessings,

Rev. Bill Pinches
Pastor