Introducing . . . "Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love"

Part II in an occasional series on “How Shall We Handle the Tough Stuff?”
(Part I appeared in the February issue)

Inside this issue of the Parish Pages you will find a one-page document entitled “Agreeing and Disagreeing in Love: Commitments for Christians in Times of Disagreement.” This document is adapted from a document with the same title that is published by the Lombard Mennonite Peace Center. Lombard is a non-profit Christian ministry that works to encourage the nonviolent transformation of conflict in relationships in homes, workplaces, schools, churches, and throughout our world, and whose programs and resources address ways of resolving conflicts and building healthier relationships in all of these various settings. (You can learn more about them at www.lmpeacecenter.org.) Many of you participated in a Lombard workshop held here in this church several years ago; I, too, have attended several Lombard workshops as a participant over the past several years, most recently a week-long mediation skills training institute just last summer.

I have found Lombard’s biblical insights and principles to be immensely helpful as I try to walk in the ways of Jesus Christ and as I try to lead the congregation that God has called me to serve with responsibility and integrity. That doesn’t mean that I’m always good at applying the principles that I have learned – sometimes, learning new skills requires un-learning others that can be pretty deeply engrained into our psyches; sometimes, I fall short and I catch myself doing those very things that I know I ought not to do. I am not perfect, and I know it! But, hopefully, with diligence and discipline and dedication, and the grace of God, I will continue to grow in my application of these insights and principles throughout the course of the rest of my life.

Your Session has recently spent several months reflecting on matters pertaining to conflict management. I initiated that conversation. I did so because (as most of you know) there has been a painfully acute conflict here in the relatively recent past, and I know of countless other congregations that have experienced painful conflict. I was a member of a congregation that went through painful conflict a number of years ago, and not long ago I was geographically close to a congregation that was mired in painful conflict. I want to do everything possible to make sure we never have such a painful experience here, ever again. I want to do everything in my power to ensure that we will be working cooperatively together to create a climate here in which important issues get addressed (not avoided!) and in which people don’t get hurt in the process. This whole conversation is intended to be a preventative measure. Yes, there are issues in church life; things come up; decisions have to be made; we are continually striving to discern where God is calling us to go next, and sometimes people disagree about what that will (or should) be. If you’re at all familiar with the broad sweep of church history, you know that important issues have come up again and again over the course of the past two thousand years, and Christians don’t always agree about the “right” answers. That’s just a reality of life. We can even find instances in the New Testament itself of times when the early Christians had to make difficult decisions and they did not all agree with one another about what the “right” decision should be – take a look, for example, at the story of the council of Jerusalem, recounted in Acts chapter 15. The church had a big issue to solve; different people felt very strongly about their beliefs and opinions; they had a big meeting to work it out, and then they had to communicate the decision that was made at that meeting through the whole church. Was there conflict in the church? You bet! Was there disagreement? Absolutely! But those early Christians managed to work their way constructively through the disagreement, towards a peaceful resolution. There were differences of opinion that needed to be addressed, and they managed to handle that conflict without people getting hurt in the process. It’s a good model to learn from.

The document that you will find in these pages articulates a dozen “commitments” about responsible ways in which we might handle disagreements that might come up in church life. The first commitment is this: “Acknowledge together that conflict is a normal part of our life in the church.” Yes, conflict is normal. Conflict is simply what happens when there is more than one opinion about an issue in the same room at the same time – which, of course, happens a lot. Conflict, by itself, is neither good nor bad. The question is always, When there is conflict, how shall we handle it? There is such a thing as destructive conflict . . . and there is also such a thing as constructive conflict. Destructive conflict is what happens when the issues are getting dealt with in ways that are harmful to the people involved. Constructive conflict is what can happen when issues get dealt with in ways that are fair and kind and respectful, and the whole body grows as a result. I want to see us work to learn and implement skills so that whenever there is conflict about any issue – no matter how large or how small – we will take steps to ensure that the conflict is constructive and not destructive.

I would ask that you read the enclosed document, carefully. There are biblical references attached to each of the twelve commitments, and I would encourage you to look up those passages to further reinforce the concepts. I would also ask that you keep this document; please don’t just recycle it with the rest of your Parish Pages. Keep it somewhere where you can refer to it and study it from time to time. Then, I would ask that you make an effort to begin to apply these commitments in your life – not only in your church life, but in every other aspect of your life as well (work, school, family, etc.). The fourth through eighth commitments give you direct steps that you can apply whenever there is some kind of issue confronting you that requires that you talk with other people to reach a mutually agreeable resolution. You will probably find that, as you work to apply these commitments, you will discover that you are growing in your spiritual walk (see commitment #2!). The tenth commitment introduces the concept of “skilled help” (such as a trained counselor or mediator), if you find that the issues you are dealing with are so complex that you are not able to resolve them on your own. The eleventh principle has to do with major conflict within a congregation (which we will hopefully never have to worry about, if we are diligently working to apply the first ten commitments!). And the twelfth commitment affirms the importance of working to solve church disputes within our own community of faith – within the body of Christ – rather than turning to the secular courts.

Lombard regularly works with congregations (and other human organizations) experiencing conflict of one sort or another; these commitments (which we have adjusted slightly for our own use here) have been proven to be effective in a wide variety of different settings at promoting peace and reconciliation – and (surprise, surprise!) they’re even biblical.

This is a lot to chew on. Please spend some time with this document. Your Session has officially adopted this document for use throughout the congregation. It is now, essentially, a “policy” document for the church, indicating the ways in which we seek to live our common life together, striving to be faithful to Jesus Christ, even when there might be disagreements. That doesn’t mean that there will be punitive measures if people fail to follow this document – but it does mean that we might lift it up from time to time as a gentle reminder of the kind of values we want to foster and embody here. I intend to teach about this document in future officer training workshops and in future Explorers’ classes, and you can expect that you will see or hear occasional reminders about this document from time to time. This is not something that we simply intend to check off our list of things to do – “okay, now we’ve done that, so we can move on” – rather, this is something that we want to work to live into, now and in the future.

If you find yourself not sure how to apply this document in your own life, or would appreciate a little bit of coaching (“hey, I’ve really got a problem with somebody that I need to solve, and I know I need to talk to them but I’m not sure how to do that”), please find someone whom you trust and respect who can help you. I’m certainly willing to work with interested learners, and I’ll be returning to certain key points in some future articles here. John McElhone also recently offered a children’s sermon (remember the broccoli?) and taught a “special topics” class (and before that, led a “coffee and chat”) on this very subject, and I’m sure he would be happy to talk about these issues with you. (Mind you, I didn’t ask John directly about his willingness to do that before I put this in print, and maybe I should have . . . John, if you’ve got a problem with what I just said, then I guess we’ve got a conflict, so you and I can model for everyone what this process should look like!!!)

Let me close by just reiterating: adopting and publishing this document is intended to be a preventative measure. We do not have any kind of major conflict going on here at this church. Are there some issues that need to be addressed? Sure. Are there some challenges that need to be worked on? Yep. (That’s normal!) Is there major conflict? Nope.

I promise you that I will do everything in my power to keep it that way.

But to do that, I’m asking for your help: take this document, study it, and work to practice the skills. And I promise, I will work to do the same. . . .

Peace and blessings,

Rev. Bill Pinches
Pastor